If it is not working, change the script!
One area that many of us try to make sense of and improve upon is our intimate partnerships. Surprisingly, an aspect of partnerships that is often ignored is our relationship pattern. Dr. Chandra Degia explores exactly what it is, and why it happens? If it is not working, change the script!
Have you gone through all of your adult life from one affair to another, without any significant period being single or alone? Or do you have large gaps – even years – between them? Can you count the number of partners you have had on one hand or do you need an abacus, clicker-counter and calculus equations to approximate a figure?
Starting new relationships is generally easier for persons who do not recognise their patterns and are on the constant hunt for the perfect man or woman. So next time you are about to dive head first into that new liaison after just ending one last month, before you go from zero to one hundred in one week, ask yourself what are you really looking for? Are you searching for that elusive perfection in another, which you yourself do not have? Are you hiding from previous painful experiences and acting them out through an endless chain of partners?
In the western world, people who have long gaps between relationships are encouraged to date more. However, many dating experts and psychologists believe that individuals who know themselves and are genuinely open and emotionally available, have less potential partners to choose from, than those persons who do not know themselves well and appear open and available. This is certainly not a bad thing, it simply means that people who understand themselves well, narrow their choices because they generally look for a partner who is emotionally available, meets their requirements, and is not perfect.
Now, not everyone who has long gaps between their relationships may be on the path of self-awareness. There are many people who shy away from partnerships because of fear – that of betrayal, losing their freedom, responsibility, or getting hurt. Oftentimes we are not aware that we are acting from a space of fear.
Regardless of the frequency pattern of your relationships, sit quietly and be honest with yourself and take some time to figure out what it may be trying to reveal to you. Aside from this, the type of relationship we keep having can help us uncover our patterns.
Many of us are unaware that we keep replaying an old script. We know it is time to change the script. Yes, your last partner may have been a high-flying executive and your partner before that was a tree-hugging hippie. Your partners may vary in age, height, career and style of dress but have you been dating or marrying the same type of person over the years?
Often, we re-cast different ‘actors’ each time, but the characters and script are the same. Take a closer look. Do you have a pattern of dating Mr. Charisma, Ms. Gold Digger, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable or Ms. I-Have-No-Time-For-You-Today? Is there a recurring role that keeps showing up in your dating pattern?
The good news is that when you are ready, you can write a new storyline and script for your life. The patterns you unveil through meaningful contemplation will put you in good stead to improve your present and future relationships. By being aware of your dating patterns you can ask yourself important questions such as, ‘Am I choosing this person to continue an old pattern that is not working or am I choosing this person based on my deepest needs and desires?’
Naturally, you are the expert on your own life. If you are honest with yourself and take time to reflect on your past and present relationships and what factors are common to them, you will have taken the biggest step to improving your present and future relationships. Keep practising honest, non-judgmental self-awareness as you make choices, and you can break those undesirable patterns. It is time to change the script.